Betrayal, big or small, trashes your heart to bits. You do survive and heal. When it has been shattering, your scar will usually be deep and render you hyper-sensitive. You may have a tendency to armor yourself in order to protect yourself from any other injury. This armor may be so absolute, so impenetrable that you may trash any trustworthy or loving relationship in the future, or at least, that’s what can happen if you’re not careful!
Some less worthy characters may deserve whatever you come up with, but some, definitely not. These will become victims of your hypersensitivity. So, let’s see what can be done to ease this along and give you time to heal well.
1. When you realize that this is happening, assess yourself:
a. Write down all sensitive aspects that will undeniably get you going.
b. List all means you can use to slow your immediate response. Try counting to ten, slow deep breaths while you evaluate if the person really wanted to set your hot buttons off.
2. If you can, slow the process even more by adding that you’ll be thinking about this and will get back to continue the conversation later. Should you be able put the conversation off to the next day, giving yourself time to reflect on what happened, it’ll really allow you to monitor your hypersensitivity well.
Naturally, on the moment, you may need an excuse to avoid pursuing the conversation. Depending on how important the person speaking is to you, the situation, the environment, further damage to you and the other can be diminished or outright avoided.
There are techniques to make people realize that they are being hurtful and should approach certain topics with caution when around you. Again, depending on the person’s closeness, the situation and environment, you will want to consider a different response tactic. Here are nine of the <I will not get into this> tactics that you can modify to suit your circumstances. These are proven <resisting pressure> techniques.
The Broken Record technique
You explain and reply. Then you repeat what you just said over and over and over again, with determination, until the pressure diminishes or disappears.
The Role Inversion technique
You turn around and question the other about their behavior, obliging him/her to justify what exactly motivates them to do this.
The Finding Allies technique
In a group that knows you well, you may find allies that also think the person approaching you may set off your hot buttons, especially if they know you well. You may bring them in to calm you or to cushion you from the other, explaining that this is not a good topic to get into right now!
The Compromise Proposition technique
Basically, it is offering an alternative to discussing what has just put you off. If you’re swift, it’s a moving onto something else like it hasn’t affected you even if it has and postponing the discussion until you feel capable of dealing with it. Sometimes, it is proposing an activity that will allow you to vent and regain control of the situation and yourself under your terms.
The Excuse Technique
This is stating an unclear, fuzzy excuse to put this off to later. It’s a non-committal way to just move on temporarily without stating your disagreement or frustration. It can be taken up later.
The Indifference Technique
You just ignore the person who you feel is offending you, pressuring you or hurting you. This works better with strangers than friends or loved ones. It avoids you needing to disclose information about yourself that you have no desire or intention to share.
The Telling it as it is Technique
Straightforward truth can act like a cold shower. This one works better with people you know well and who know you well. Caring people will learn to respect this and you can grow together.
The Changing group Technique
This is radical. You actually make the choice of getting away from the person or persons that trigger off strong reactions and cause the scar to reopen. When you have tried all others and realize that it will never stop, then you have to make a definite decision so you can heal and move on.
With someone close, selecting how to react is the most difficult. Sometimes, you’ve repeated over and over for some years that a certain topic annoys you and the other person still brings it up. It can be almost nauseating.
Sometimes, you’ve managed to rise above it. At other moments, you’ve become practically insensitive to it, except when you’re tired or stressed. Then being more vulnerable, you still take it as a lack of respect , feeling that if someone says they love you, they should avoid those little things that <they know> will push those buttons. But do they?
Lean into it. Does it matter that much? Did the person really want to damage you? Should you ignore or respond? Is it worth it? Look at your techniques again. Breath, take the time to assess…
Just remember that the average person generally doesn’t plan to hurt you. Mean sides generally come out because of a deeper reason, unless, you are dealing with a total <airhead> or an <insensitive, disrespectful individual>.
So, when you think you are under attack, remember that, if injured, you are more prone to lash out. You may even see an attack where there is none. Proper assessment is essential. In the end, you are the judge of what is appropriate. In life, we all run into hurtful people or situations. It is important that you remember who you are and remain confident that you will choose the appropriate course of action.
Happy Trails!
Elizabeth McNally
Mentor & Licensed Certified EI Coach
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